Birthday Vacation by Jim Nickabocker
"I don't get it. What's the whole concept of this show?" Max asked, laying lazily across Wallace's lap. She and Wallace were on the living room couch, watching TV.
"That's the Beauty of it!" John called out from the kitchen. "Nothing!"
"Nothing? How can the concept be nothing?" Wallace asked.
"You're lookin' at it!" John called back, still in the kitchen.
"The whole show's about nothin'!"
Max looks upside down towards the kitchen, still laying on Wallace' lap. "Okay, that's crazy! You're telling us we've been watching 30 minutes of nothing?" She asked in disbelief as John emerged from the kitchen with a mug of coffee.
"Pretty much, yea. You have to understand that this show is the only one of it's kind. Taking relatively small, miniscule things that we overlook every day and putting them under a microscope. So in the end, the result is a show about..."
"Nothing?" Wallace asked.
"Nothin'." John finished with with nod.
"Dude...we need to get you laid!" Max exclaimed cheekily. John blushed a bit, choking slightly on his coffee.
"I think we took care of that twice-fold this week!" John replied with as chuckle.
"Aaaaauuuugh!" Everyone turned around to see Simon enter the apartment and close the front door behind him.
"Rough day?" Wallace asked as Simon approached him from behind the couch, flopping his arms onto him, resting his chin on Wallace' shoulder, offering a tired mutter. Wallace simply nodded and patted Simon's head.
"Rough day."
"Hey kids! It's your last chance to visit the funnest place on Earth!" The TV suddenly rolled into a colorful and slightly ridiculous looking advertisement. Showing rides, stands and attractions reminiscent of Coney Island. John slowly looked up, his eyes wide with sudden excitement.
"Fun Land…" John muttered to himself as the commercial continued.
"That's right, Fun Land! Bring your mom, your dad, your friends, even complete strangers! Do it while you can, because Fun Land is closing!" The commercial VO announced.
"Closing!?" John exclaimed, almost dropping his coffee. Catching the attention of his three friends.
"That's right, closing! The big closing date will be the end of the day on June 5th, so don't miss out on the crazy awesome experience that is: FUN LAND! Located off of route 66 in Hudson County. The last shot was of the owner of the park, waving from the entrance. It then rolled into another commercial, John was left at the edge of his seat, still transfixed on the TV screen.
"Hey uh… you alright John?" Wallace asked.
"Fun Land is closing!" John exclaimed as he set his coffee down at the table in front of him, looking at Wallace with a surprising amount of concern.
"On my birthday no less!"
Max, Wallace and Simon look at each other briefly. "What IS Fun Land exactly?" Max asked, still looking at John from an upside down angle. John leaned back in his chair, letting out a long sigh as a goofy smile spread across his face.
"Fun Land… is one of the funnest places I've ever been to in my life. My dad took me there when I was but knee high to a tortellini. He let me ride as many rides as I wanted, got me all the snacks and junk food I wanted... hell, he even won me a bike on one of those baseball, milk bottle games!" John's expression softened a bit as he looked down at his lap, twiddling his thumbs.
"It's actually where I got to spend time with my dad for the last time. He and my mom went through a civil but hasty divorce. My mom wanted to finally just settle down while my dad wanted to keep being a traveling entertainer. He just wasn't done being the latin crooner traveling from venue to venue, making women swoon over his dulcet voice."
John took a moment, obviously having vivid flashbacks. Taking off his glasses, rubbing at his eyes in an attempt to head off tears at the pass. He let out another long sigh before putting his glasses back on, having regained his composure.
"Fun Land was the last time I really got to be with my dad. After that, it was a gradual process of him fading out of my life, till one day he never came back. He kinda just left my mom to raise me. Oof!" John suddenly had found that Max leapt from her spot on Wallace's lap over to him, hugging him tightly with her face buried in his chest.
"That's fucking awful!" She exclaimed into John's shirt. John smiled gently, kissing her hair.
"Yea, but it's something I've managed to deal with. It was pretty hard on both me and my mom, but we had to be strong. If anything, for each other." John replied, chuckling lightly as he didn't see Max letting go anytime soon.
"Well at least you had fun on that day." Wallace offered as Simon nodded in agreement, his chin still resting on Wallace's shoulder.
"Yea, I know. Most kids don't get that kind of luxury, so in a way I guess I'm lucky." John agreed as he started to recover fully from his rather depressing flashback.
"To hell with that!" Max exclaimed, her face still buried in John's shirt. She suddenly pulled back, looking up at John square in the eyes.
"We're going to Fun Land!"
"What?" John, Wallace and Simon all uttered in unison.
"That's right!" Max suddenly jumped up, with her hands on her hips.
"We're taking you to Fun Land and giving you some damn good memories, with no sadness on the side!" She proclaimed. John laughed a bit, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Aw Max, you can't be serious." John replied, perceiving this as a joke. Max quickly turned around and eyed him with surprising intensity.
"Oh man...I know that look."
"Is it the look??" Simon asked from Wallace's shoulder. John simply nodded in response.
"Aw hell, here we go.." Wallace sighed.
"I'll order the plane tickets."
"No!" Max exclaimed with a dramatic hand out.
"We're doing this right, like a legit road trip. We're gonna drive there!"
"Drive there? It's in Hudson County! That's like twenty hours away!" Simon said, not looking forward to cramming himself in a car for that long.
"I'll get stir crazy!"
"Well… if we're really gonna to do this, there may be something to make it a bit more bearable.." John offered as they all looked to him curiously.
John opened the garage door of one of the units. Revealing a sizable storage shed with knick knacks galore. It was about the size of a car garage if not a little bit bigger.
"Whoa, you can afford a storage shack like this?" Simon asked, looking around in awe.
"Mom's… very well off. I couldn't afford this on my salary alone!" John explained with a laugh. He walked over to a large object covered in a tarp. He grabbed it and yanked it off to reveal…
"A hippie van!" Max exclaimed with glee.
"A Volkswagen Type 2, or as it's more affectionately known as: a Micro Bus! I believe this is the camper variant." John said with a growing smile.
"This was the car we used to tour the states in. We often lived out of here when not in hotels. I think it'd be fitting to go up to Fun Land one last time in the ol' gal. Plus it's really comfy and has plenty of room!"
"You know a plane would get us there in like four hours tops.." Wallace casually mentioned. Though Max quickly countered with an elbow to his gut.
"Well, you all can head home, I'll get this to our family mechanic and'll have her road worthy by tomorrow morning!" John announced, getting a bit excited about the whole ordeal.
"Perfect! Come on boys let's get to bed!" Max said cheekily as she draped her arms around Wallace and Simon's waists.
"Already? It's not even seven yet! You want to get sleep already?" Simon asked.
"Who said anything about sleep?" Max stuck her tongue out and winked.
Max, Wallace and Simon stand outside in the parking lot of their apartment complex as a bright orange Micro Bus pulls up to them, blasting Lindsey Buckingham's ‘Holiday Road'.
"Climb aboard! Guys!" John called out. Wallace opened the slide door of the van, marveling the interior
"Whoa." He said to himself as he took a seat and looked around.
"This cleaned up pretty nice!"
"Oh my God!" Simon exclaimed as he scurried in.
"It's got a stove, a fridge AND a sink! What kind of sorcery is this!?"
"Nice job Loverboy! I can see us getting some real mileage out of this!" Max grinned as she also made her way inside, sitting down in the passenger seat. John blushed and cleared his throat.
"Well then, to Fun Land!" John announced. Making sure the doors were closed and everyone was seated before driving off.
"I figure since we got till the end of the day tomorrow, we can stop and take in sights, visit some locals and just enjoy ourselves!" John offered.
"Like a bona fide vacation!" Max exclaimed.
"Heh, well that sounds like fun." Wallace replied with a nod.
"Vacation time! Woooo!" Simon exclaimed, feeling much more pumped for the adventure.
The first hour went by like a breeze. They talked amongst themselves, joking, having fun. Passing the time until the cityscape became countryside. However the scenic view was suddenly interrupted.
"Cows!" John exclaimed, pulling the van over to the side of the road.
"Cows?" Wallace asked as he looked out the window.
"Is there a reason why we're excited about cows?"
"Yea! They're awesome!" John grabbed his camera, hopping out of the driver's seat, running up to the fence that kept the cows in, taking pictures.
Wallace seemed a bit baffled as Simon chuckled, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Remember, it's the little things that make him happy."
After taking a few pictures, Max stuck her head out of the passenger side window after rolling it down.
"Dude! Tip it!" She shouted with nothing but mischief in her voice.
"Guh-wha??" John exclaimed before turning around.
"Why would I wanna tip the cow?"
"Because you're probably never going to get another opportunity like this!" Max replied.
"Do iiiiiiiiiiiit!"
John sighed and rolled his eyes, draping his camera over his shoulder via it's strap. He hopped over the fence and nudged the cow. When that didn't work, he began pushing it. Still nothing. The cow remained upright with a rather bored look on it's face.
"Oh come on! It can't be that hard!" Max insisted. Of course after seven minutes and the addition of Max, Wallace and Simon trying to push the cow over, it still didn't budge.
"Hey! What are ya'll doin' to my cow!?" A short and very angry looking farmer shouted as he approached, a double barrel shotgun being toted readily.
"Ack! Oh uh, nothing sir! Just admiring your cow, just uh...such a nice cow!" John sheepishly tried to explain, petting the cow. The farmer however was not amused as he shot his shotgun into the air.
"Get outta here ya hooligans!" The Farmer shouted.
"Abort! Abort!!" John shouted as he and the others made a mad dash back over the fence and back into the van, flooring it as it sped back onto the highway.
"Damn city slickers.." The Farmer muttered as the cow looked over at him unfazed and unamused.
"Okay, never doing that again!" John said, trying to catch his breathe after the near death experience.
"I almost died on a farm past city limits. Would my folks be shocked or confused?" Simon asked, laying down on the large seat in the back of the van.
"Probably both" Wallace replied with a chuckle.
"And we never got to find out whether or not Wallace is allergic to cock!"
"Max.." Wallace muttered unamused. Max turned around to face him from the passenger seat, offering nothing but a cheeky smile.
"Well regardless, we should probably make a pit stop soon. I'm a bit peckish, and I'd like to save the food in the van cause, well, ya never know!" John stated as he continued to drive for a while.
Max, Wallace and Simon had taken the opportunity to get out and stretch their legs. John meanwhile was busily cooking up some lunch in the small kitchen. Once it was ready, John opened the side door to the van, poking his head out.
"Food's on!" He called out as his friends made their way back to the van.
"Alright! What do we have here?" Simon asked climbing back into the van and sitting at the small table.
"Scrambled eggs, toast, jam and good ol' O.J.!" John answered, starting to clean up the kitchen.
"I got nothin' on Jamie, but I like to think I can make stuff taste decent!" Wallace and Max also take a seat, diving into the small feast that was provided.
"Eeeeh, not to throw a wrench in your readily cooked plans John but-" Max started as she was interrupted by John setting a plate in front of her.
"Blueberry waffles and a side of french toast!" John said with glee.
"Okay, this is awesome! Thanks Loverboy!" Max replied with a wink before digging in.
"I don't mean to sound ungrateful or anything, but is there a reason for this amazing dinner?" Wallace asked between bites. John took a seat with them with his own plate.
"Well to be honest, I figured we can have a nice lunch together. You know, spend time not necessarily balls deep in each other… Ah! I mean- not to say it's a bad thing! I mean, Being balls deep in any one of you at any time is great! I mean…. no what I mean to say is… I…..agh..!" John quickly shoves a piece of toast into his mouth, blushing deep red. The other laugh a little with Max slinging an arm around John's neck.
"Hehe don't worry John, we know what you mean. I think it's pretty sweet of you!" Max complimented before going back to her dinner.
"We really do appreciate you doing this for us. Not everyday we get a home cooked meal on the road." Wallace said with a smile.
"Yea! But uh...you know you can come over and just hang out, right?" Simon asked before taking a bite of his scrambled eggs. John chewed and swallowed his toast, taking a quick sip of his orange juice before responding.
"I uh...oh! Eh ok… Sorry guys, this is all new to me. The whole...you know...'dynamic'. I don't want to do or say anything to mess things up.." John explained, poking at his scrambled eggs.
"John…" Wallace began, looking over at him with a comforting expression.
"The only way you'd mess anything up, is if you don't ask questions."
"Yea dude, ask anything at anytime!" Simon added, finishing up his scrambled eggs.
"That's right and you're doing just fine Loverboy!" Max grins, ruffling John's hair. He let out a slight sigh of relief, nodding, John then blinked wide-eyed as he remembers something.
"I just remembered something!" John exclaimed as he stood up and scrambled to the back of the van. The others looked on curiously as they watch John dig through some things in the back before turning back around, revealing a ukelele.
"Someone shrink your guitar?" Simon asked teasingly. John stuck out his tongue at him playfully.
"No! It's a ukulele! My dad tried teaching me how to play an acoustic guitar without much luck. Not wanting our family line to stop being musically inclined because of me, he asked me what instrument I'd think I'd have an easier time playing. Then, voila!" John began to tune it, grinning wide at his friends. Once tuned he began strumming an oddly familiar tune.
"Thank you for being a friend, traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant! And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew. You would see, the biggest gift would be from me. And the card attached would say, thank you for being a frieeeend!" John sang and finished with a strumming flourish.
"I uh...I learned that song….to sing to you guys. Cause uh...I appreciate the wonderful and unique position I am in with all of you.." John explained, picking at his Ukelele. Max giggled and flung herself at John, giving him a big hug.
"God you're such a dork!" Max exclaimed.
"He may be a dork, but he's our dork." Wallace added with a chuckle.
A tourist trap is by definition, an establishment, or group of establishments, that has been created or re-purposed with the aim of attracting tourists and their money. This was exactly the kind of place where John, Max, Wallace and Simon stopped as their first pit stop. It was a jackalope themed gift shop/restaurant. It was painfully obvious that the proprietors were going for a Big Foot vibe. Painfully obvious. After eating a round of Jackalope ‘Flapjacks' and ‘Hoppin' Hashbrowns', the crew headed back towards the van. Dodging sales pitch after sales pitch of Jackelope memorabilia. John of course, bought a t-shirt and a bunny bobblehead.
As the group exited the shop, a man decked out as a park ranger stood nearby, looking off into the the forest. Seemingly lost in thought.
"Seems like a prime time for Jackalope season.." The man said to himself in a far off and not all there tone.
"Oh God.." Wallace muttered as he and the others hurried towards the vehicle. Well all except for one.
"What makes you say that stranger?" John asked, his eyes filled with curiosity and interest.
"Gad damn it.." Wallace sighed, bopping his forehead against the van. Max and Simon giggle a bit as they wait for John by the van.
"Legend has it that once every 500 years, a herd of Jackelope come thundering by. If you catch one, it'll grant you a wish so says the mythos!" The ranger continued to look towards the forest as he engaged in the tale.
"Wooow! A Jackalope wish! How would I find one?" John asked, still starry eyed as ever. The ranger turned around with a big toothy grin.
"I'm glad you asked! If you buy this here instructional booklet, it contains all you need to know about Jackalope hunting!" The ranger began but was suddenly interrupted by Wallace suddenly dragging John away.
"I think we're good, thanks for that story, ok? Ok, bye!" Wallace quickly said without waiting for an answer, opening the driver's side door and tossing John in before walking around and climbing in himself.
"Aww, what'd you do that for Wallace?" John asked with a pout as he gingerly placed the bunny bobblehead on the dashboard.
"Because if you bought one more Jackalope related thing in this place, I was liable to go crazy!" Wallace replied, rubbing his temples.
"Not a fan of tourist traps, are you hun?" Simon asked with a smile.
"It just makes me angry that people like that know they're taking advantage of the naive and adventure starved.." Wallace admitted.
"Hey! I'm not adventure starved!" John protested as he fired up the van and started driving. After a while, Max looked around curiously as she noticed John was driving on a dirt road towards the forest.
"Saay, where are we going? Isn't the highway that-a-way?" Max asked. John stayed silent for a while, still driving.
"John.." Wallace said sternly. John winced and looked at him through the rear view mirror.
"...I was taking the Jackalope trail before heading back on the highway..? ...Maybe?"
"John.." Wallace said again, this time in a warning tone.
"Aw come on Wally. For me? It doesn't cost any money and it IS gonna be my birthday…" John pleaded, making another pouty face. Wallace looked over at Simon who simply shrugged with a chuckle, then to Max who was turned around in the front passenger seat, looking straight at him, silently forming the words ‘Do iiiiit' with her lips. Wallace rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat.
"Oh alright, I could never say no when you make that face. But please… don't call me Wally.." Wallace insisted. John grinned wide as he continued on the dirt path.
"Sorry can't hear you Wally, Jackalope hunting!" John chimed as he looked around frantically, hoping to catch a glimpse of the mythical creature. Max laughed a little.
"Aw Loverboy, I hope you realize that you're not actually going to see a…" Suddenly Max's eyes become wide as she spies something that had just hopped onto the middle of the dirt path.
"Jackalope!" Max replied in astonishment.
"Jackalope?" John asked eagerly, looking everywhere.
"Jackalope!" Max repeated, tugging on John's sleeve to get his attention, pointing straight ahead.
"Jackalope!" John repeated excitedly as he looked straight ahead to see it. However he quickly realized he was getting close to turning the said Jackalope into roadkill.
"Ack! JACKALOPE!!" John exclaimed as he veered off the dirt path. Unfortunately his off course veering sent them plummeting down a steep embankment. John frantically swerved left and right, avoiding rocks and trees as the Micro Bus continued its freefall down the steep hill. After an adrenaline pumping minute the van finally reached the bottom with a booming thump, the impact mostly absorbed by a combination of suspension, leaves and grass. In the van, Simon was upside down in the rear seat, Wallace was on the floor, clinging to the stove and Max was half out of her chair in the passenger seat, clinging to the arm rests.
"Is everyone alright?" John asked, straightening his glasses. Everyone groaned a yes in their own way.
"Almost killed by a Jackalope...another sucky way to almost die.." Simon said as he straightened himself out on the seat.
"...I hate Jackalopes.." Wallace groaned, taking a seat again.
"That...was...AWESOME!" Max shouted with both hands in the air.
"God...so much adrenaline!" She replied looking down at her hands for a moment and then to John with an almost animalistic hunger in her eyes. She then promptly pounced him in the driver's seat. John meanwhile flailed as she began to tear at his clothes.
"Guys! A little help!" John called out.
"Ooooh no. We deal with this on a daily basis." Wallace replied, taking out a deck of Uno cards.
"I think it's only fair to let you handle this by yourself." Simon grinned with a wink and a nod towards John as he waved for Wallace to join him at the small table in the back.
"Mmhmm, consider this a punishment/gift." Wallace nodded as well, starting to deal out the cards.
"But...but guys! I-Mmmppphh!!"
After John ‘suffered' through his punishment. The gang continued on their way, the trouble being however, is that they had gotten pretty lost, and the GPS, as well as their cell phones weren't getting a signal. As the moon rose and they drove deeper into the woods, they began to hear what could only be described as..
"Trance music..?" Simon looked around, baffled and annoyed at the same time. John stopped the car for a moment. The group soon noticed there was an orange glow not too far away from where they were.
"What's going on over there?" John asked, not really expecting an answer as he unclipped his seatbelt.
"Oh no you don't. John, we can easily just keep driving and pretend we didn't notice anything. If we do that, we won't have to worry about...and you just left the van.." Wallace was unamused by these turn of events as Max grinned and followed John out. Simon slid the side door open.
"Et tu Simon?" Wallace asked in disbelief. Simon chuckled, leaning over and kissing Wallace.
"Stop being such a grump. Come on! What's the worst that can happen?" Simon said with a grin.
As they slowly approached the source of the glow and sound, peering through a bush they find themselves watching what appeared to be a cult ritual of some sort consisting of a lot of individuals with long hooded cloaks. They were all crowding around a bon fire with a portable stereo playing loud Trance Music.
"I knew it!" Simon exclaimed in a hushed whisper.
"I've got to take a picture of this! John, can I borrow your camera?"
"Of coarse! It's on the dashboard back in the van!" John whispered back. Simon nodded eagerly, sneaking his way back to the van.
"What are they doing?" Max asked, trying to make out their actions.
"Looks like he's reciting from a really old looking book." Wallace observed.
"Prolly some sort of tome they picked up in one of their crazy blood-soaked rampages through an unsuspecting village.." John replied. He suddenly looked back at Max and Wallace who were just staring at him.
"What? I've seen movies.."
"What are you doing? Let go of me you bastards!!" The group all suddenly go wide eyed as they frantically look for the source of the voice.
"Oh God...don't tell me...that sounds like..!" John muttered under his breath.
"Holy shit!" Max uttered in astonishment.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me.." Wallace groaned as he rubbed his temples. It seemed Simon got himself captured on the way back to the van. He was being detained by two cloaked cultists, each latching on to both his arms as he struggled to break free.
"What is this? A spy in our midst? How utterly appalling. Brethren! We must make an example out of this intruder! Fetch me the sacrificial sword!" The individual who was speaking was obviously in charge. His coak was more decreative and consisted of even more uneasy patterns compared to the rest. Simon blinked, struggling harder against the two that held him.
"Let me go you fucking psychos!!" Simon cried out, still struggling to get free.
"Fuck this.." Wallace growled, rolling up the sleeve of his shirt.
"What are you doing??" John asked, still trying to process everything.
"I'm not going to let them kill Simon!" Wallace shouted in a whisper, getting ready to charge.
"Max, John, go wait in the van.."
"What!? You can't be serious!" Max exclaimed. Wallace looked over at her with a firm look on his face. He leaned over, kissing her gently, looking right into her eyes.
"Van, now." He said simply. Max quietly nodded, carefully making her way back to the van.
"John.."
"No." John said flatly. Wallace shook his head.
"I swear to God John, if you don't-"
"No Wallace! This is my fault! I shoulda kept going like you told me to!" John stared right back at Wallace, a determined look on his face.
"I want to help, I have to help! And the only way you're going to get rid of me is if you tie me to the car!" John said flatly, refusing to budge an inch. Wallace let out a long sigh, shaking his head. He then gave John a half smile.
"Come on you dork, let's save Simon." Wallace stood up, readying himself as John stood up as well, loosening his tie.
"Right behind ya.." John responded, a little shaky but determined.
"On the count of three. One, two...three!" Wallace instructed. The two of them lunged forward, pushing and shoving their way through the crowd of cultists, reaching Simon and the head of the cult. Wallace wasted no time in winding up and decking the head cultist square in the face. As John pulled out a collapsible baton from his pocket, nailing one of the cultist who was holding Simon square on the head. Once one of the two fell to the ground in pain, Simon quickly kicked backwards, hitting the other cultist in the nads. The two captors, writhed in pain as they lay on the floor. Simon and John pressed their backs to each other, swinging, punching and kicking at the sudden wave of cultist who tried to attack them. Wallace continued wailing on them as well, not too far away.
"Thanks for the rescue!" Simon called out.
"But how were you going to get me out of here?"
Both John and Wallace were silent for a moment as they continued to fend off cultists.
"You're kidding me! Neither of you thought of an escape plan!?" Simon asked in disbelief.
"I'm sorry hun!" Wallace apologized as he decked another cultist.
"We...didn't think this through properly…"
"You think?!" Simon asked, a bit upset about the situation.
"If you're gonna be angry with anyone, be angry with me! I'm the one that goofed up royally here!" John chimed in as he kneed a cultist in the gut before striking them across the face with his baton.
"Which by the by, I'm sorry guys!"
"You cannot defeat us!" The leader of the cult gets back up, grabbing the ceremonial sword that had been mentioned earlier from a cultist who had just brought it to him.
"We are the minions of Satan himself!" The leader then lunged at a still fighting and unsuspecting Wallace with his sword. However with a loud metal clang, John had intercepted the sword with his baton, struggling to keep the head cultist at bay.
"Alright, step off you nut case! It's bad enough I got my friends into this mess. They're not getting killed because of it!" John hissed out as he clenched his teeth. Suddenly a car horn interrupted the battle. Everyone looked towards the direction of the sound to see John's Micro Bus tear through bushes, heading straight for John, Wallace and Simon. Max poked her head out of the driver's side window.
"Leave my guys alone!" Max shouted. John, Wallace and Simon quickly dove out of the way. Leaving a baffled cultist leader, to turn around just in time to get hit by the van. The impact sent him flying backwards a few feet.
"Get in! Get in!" Max called as she opened the side door to the van. The three scrambled inside, shutting the door and locking it. The rest of the cultists weren't too pleased with these turn of events and they began to hit and shake the van.
"Max! Get us out of here!" Wallace shouted. Max nodded, stomping on the gas, knocking back cultists as they sped away. Once it was apparent that the cultists were left far behind, they all breathed a sigh of relief.
"Woohoo! I hit a dude with a van!" Max cheered.
"...Let's not make a habit out of that.." Wallace said, a bit worried about Max's excitement over vehicular assault.
"Now, what did we learn?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at John. Who blushed and groaned in embarrassment.
"To not be a doofus and make stupid decisions..?" John offered as he sat down in the front passenger's seat, sliding down in a sulking manner.
"Very good, now let's see you remember that for next time." Wallace offered a smile as John sighed.
"That makes, farmers, hills and cultists that've almost killed us so far." Simon replied as he laid down on the rear seat.
"Man, aren't vacations supposed to feel more...vacation-y?"
It was agreed that a little unwinding was necessary after recent events. After all, they still had a ways to go before arriving at Fun Land. Once back on the highway, they decided to stop by an Irish Pub right near an exit, a drink or two were certainly due. The group sat at a table as they all sipped their corresponding drinks.
"Fruit punch huh?" Max asked, feeling a tad mischievous.
"Yea, I can't drink. Or rather, I really shouldn't drink. I'm not a fan of the taste of alcohol. Plus I'm like an uber lightweight." John explained, taking a swig of his red drink. He then paused for a moment, laughing to himself, shaking his head.
"Hehe, well unless they're screwdrivers. I have a uh...history with screwdrivers." He then blinked as he realized Max was still staring at him.
"Eh...Max?"
Max winked at John, flagging down their waitress.
"Hey! We could use a screwdriver please!"
"Max.." Wallace said in a familiar warning tone, having taken a swig from his bottle.
"What? It's officially his birthday! The guy live a little!" Max justified. Wallace sighed and rolled his eyes before looking at John.
"Happy Birthday by the way."
"Yea, Happy Birthday dude!" Simon chimed in before drinking from his glass.
"I'm looking forward to seeing the drunk you!"
"Ooooh no." John replied, pushing up on his glasses.
"If I gotta drink, it's just gonna be one drink. Capishe?"
1 Hour Later
Of course one drink became two, which became three and so forth. Before the hour was done, John had gone through a considerable amount of Screwdrivers. Ten to be precise. John had just finished a tale of one of his misadventures over the tenth drink.
"...And then, we found out pretty damn quick that it wasn't a pizza place at all, it was a strip joint!" John finishes as he and the other engaged in laughter. He was feeling pretty good. A little too good. Though it was apparent from the ten glasses that lay in front of him, that he was in no shape to realize this.
"Hehe alright Loverboy, I think that's enough for y-" Max was quickly cut off by a sudden kiss from John.
"You're drop dead gorgeous you know that?" John said with a silly smile. Max giggled with a smirk.
"Whoa there tiger, I've got to get you drunk more often!" She replied.
"Well, let's not get him too drunk. Come on, let's get our ta-" It was Wallace's turn to be interrupted as John lunged over the table to plant one on him as well. Knocking over glasses and bottles in the process. Wallace chuckled once John pulls away, giving him a playful look.
"I'm sensing a theme here." John winks at Wallace in response and looks over at Simon.
"Well I'm not waiting!" Simon grins and leans in to kiss John, beating him to the punch.
"Get a load of those fruits.." Was uttered not too far away. John gently broke the kiss with Simon to eye a particularly gruff group of bikers playing darts, having drinks and occasionally snickering.
"Yea, rainbow ass fruit cakes.." Another voice from the group muttered.
"Ooookay, this is probably a really good time to get back to the van." Wallace replied, eying the gang as he left some money on the table, sliding out of his seat.
"Yea, this place seems a lot less friendly all of a sudden." Simon snuck a peck at John's lips before sliding out of the seat himself.
"Come on Loverboy, let's head back to the van." Max said to John as she slid out of her chair as well. John slowly slid out of his chair, but started to stumble towards the gang of bikers.
"John? John!? Oh God, not again.." Wallace groaned as he realized where John was going.
"John! What are you doing??" Simon called out, not liking where this was headed.
"John.." Max sighed to herself, suddenly regretting getting him to drink.
"Hey! Hey! Listen up!" John shouted at the gang, who all looked over at him.
"I don't appreciate being ridiculed! I pay my bills, I pay my taxes. I work my ass off to make ends meet and I contribute to society like any civilized person would! Oh gosh! Heavens to Betsy! I'm kissing two hot dudes! Oh the scandal!" John drunkenly feigned shock with his hands at his cheeks.
"Hehe, we're hot.." Simon giggled as Wallace elbowed him gently. Max approached John from behind, linking her arm around his.
"Come on John, let's not make the small army of big burly biker men angry!" Max insisted, not quite used to trying to diffuse situations herself. John looked over at her for a moment, a soft smile spreading across his face before turning back to the gang. His expression was back to being angry and unamused.
"I like this amazing woman right here." John announced as he motioned to Max, then to Wallace and Simon.
"I like those wonderful guys too! And you know what? I'm still trying to understand it myself! I'm still new to this whole dynamic!"
"John?" Max asked, tugging at his sleeve.
"But I like them! And I like to think that they like me too! Yea this isn't common, yea this isn't the norm. But who the fuck cares!? So what if not everybody does it? We're not trying to hurt nobody! I know an ass ton of people of whom which I don't agree with, but I still treat them as people. It's called being civilized, being respectful. It's what separates us from god damn barbarians! So you know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry that showing affection to three of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life offends you. If you don't like it, look the other way! Or, here's a thought, have the decency to politely ask if we can maybe tone it down! But you have absolutely no right, to pick on me or my friends just because we don't fit in your outdated mold of a ‘traditional relationship'! Good day sir!" John nodded to the gang, turning around to start walking towards the exit. However he didn't quite make it before suddenly falling forward, onto an unoccupied table, breaking it and then onto the floor.
"John!" Wallace and Simon shout as they rush over to him. Max was already leaning next to him, making sure he was still breathing . She sighed in relief as she looked at them.
"He's alright, I think he's just way over his limit.." Max assured them as she gently shook John to see if she could get him to wake back up.
"Hey!" Max, Wallace and Simon look up to see one of the members of the biker gang having approached them. This one seemed large and as a matter of fact, in charge.
"Hey, we don't want any trouble. Our friend here just had one too many drinks.." Wallace began.
"Nah man, don't worry about it. In fact, we should be apologising to you . I'm Reggie, I'm leader of the Rough Riderz, " The biker leader introduced himself. The three of them blink in astonishment.
"Uh...say what now?" Simon asked. Unsure of whether or not his hearing was still ok.
"Some of the members of our organization are accustomed to an old fashioned way of thinking. But it's no cause to be insulting random people just ‘cause they don't like them. Mort and Freddy are very sorry about their outbursts. Isn't that right Mort and Freddy?" The lead biker turned around, noticing the two other bikers in question refusing to move, still sitting at their table. This of course, made the leader quite angry. Resulting in him walking up to the two, grabbing them both by the back of their heads and slamming them down onto the table.
"I'm not gonna repeat myself. Now, what do you boys have to say?" The leader asked as the two other bikers as they cringed in pain.
"Ah shit! Sorry ok? Sorry!" Mort cried out, rubbing his forehead.
"Yea me too! Won't happen again!" Freddy also responded as he held his face.
"Uh, thanks. We appreciate that." Wallace replied as he slung John over his shoulder.
"But if you don't mind, we really ought to get him out of here. He's out cold you know." The three of them quickly excused themselves and made their way back to the van.
"What the hell happened back there?" Simon asked, still bewildered.
"John rolled one hell of a diplomacy check.." Max answered as they got to the van. They tossed John to the back seat before getting in themselves.
"Is he still out?" Wallace asked, climbing into the driver's side.
"Like a light." Simon responded, having figured out that the rear seat folded back into a bed, he rolled a drunk John onto it. With that Wallace turned the ignition on and drove the van back onto the highway.
"So, want to tell me why you've been so hell bent on taking John to Fun Land?" Wallace asked, keeping his eyes on the road. Max who was sitting in the passenger seat let out a sigh as she looked out the passenger side window.
"Just seemed like a nice thing to do you know? Especially after he told us about why he cared about that park so much. I figure we could give him some new fun memories of it. Especially afterward!" Max giggled.
"Haha, of course. Though that still doesn't explain you were hell bent on driving there." Wallace noted.
"It's the sense of adventure Wallace! The open road, the fresh air!" Max took a deep breathe, as if to prove the air was in fact fresh.
Simon poked his head in between the passenger and driver side seats.
"What's going on?" He asked with a smile.
"Oh just some minor exposition." Wallace replied.
"How's our drunk doing?"
"Oh he's alright. In fact, that's why I'm up here. Apparently he's really grabby when he's drunk sleeping.." Simon explained. Max perked up, turning around to go to the back of the van.
"Oooh, really!? Lemmie see!" She exclaimed before Wallace reached over to stop her by grabbing her shirt.
"Oh no you don't! Don't you think you ought to let the guy sleep? You can tire him out after Fun Land." Max looked at Wallace and huffed before sitting back down in the passenger seat.
"Fiiiiine. But we are boning SO hard when this trip is done!" Max said as she folded her arms.
"I don't think that'll be a problem.." Simon replied with a stifled laugh.
They continued to drive down along the highway for a while before pulling over at a rest stop for a nap. It wouldn't be long before they reached Fun Land
John was the first to wake up. Rubbing his eyes and temples, suffering from a mild case of a hangover. He noticed that they had all shared the space in the rear of the van and had slept together. John smiled to himself, looking at Max, Wallace and Simon for a moment. He then quietly made his way to the front of the van and climbed into the driver's seat, turned on the ignition and began driving once again, barely able to contain himself as he saw the exit for Fun Land. His eyes then lit up as he saw the park in the distance.
It was huge, much bigger than he remembered. It had a huge roller coaster that spanned nearly the entire length of the park. A tall haunted house was also apparent, with outdated but lovable looking ghosts hanging out of the windows. As the van drew closer the hundreds of stands could be seen ‘Hot Dogs' ‘Prizes' ‘The World's Largest Ball of Twine' were just some of the signs that were spread around those stands. Then suddenly, John's grin grew even more. He saw the park's mascot, Franky the Ferret on a huge billboard as he approached the entrance to the park, welcoming all patrons. John felt like his heart would burst from excitement. After everything he and his friends went to, finally they could experience Fun land.
"Hey! Whoa! Excuse me!" A voice interrupted as John stopped the van to see a security guard standing in the path of the van, mere feet away from the entrance.
"Ah! A fellow guardsman!" John said to himself as he lowered the window to the driver's side, greeting the approaching security guard with a smile.
"Hey there, brother!" He replied with a big smile.
The security guard wiggled his mustache in curiosity, arching an eyebrow as he looked at John.
"Uh...yea, hi. Where do you think you're going?"
John looked at him with a confused look. "Wha? Well isn't it obvious? We're going to Fun Land! The funnest place on Earth! I even brought friends like the commercial told me to!"
"Wait, you're here to go to Fun Land?" The security guard asked, looking at the closed entrance gate, then back to John.
"Seriously?"
"Well of course seriously! I wouldn't have spent over 24 hours traveling just to look at it!" John explained, still excited. The guard wasn't sure what to make of the current situation.
"Son, I hate to break to to you, but the park's closed." The guard replied. John stared at the guard for a while. The words were plain and understandable, yet John's brain was unable to properly understand it.
"I...heh...naw, you gotta be mistaken! The commercial said it was closing at the end of the day! Y-you know, after everyone's had their fun…" John said, his grin slowly fading as his eyes dart from the park back to the guard.
"Aw man, where are we?" Max asked with a yawn, walking over to the front of the van.
"Whoa! Are we here already!?" Simon asked, looking out the window.
"What's going on?" Wallace asked as he also approached the front of the van.
"Oh, you must be the friends this fella was talking about. I was just telling him that the park is closed." The guard said.
"What??" Max asked before getting out of the van, making her way over to the guard.
"Listen pal, we traveled a crazy amount just to get here, and you're telling me it's closed!? I thought we had till the end of the day today!"
"Well...you did." The Guard tried explained. "But nobody showed up, zero people you know? So the owner decided to get a head start with the demolition.."
"Hang on a second, you mean to tell me everything we went through was just to look at this damn place from outside?" Wallace asked, just as baffled as the others.
"Hey, I don't make the rules here guys. I'm just here to enforce them!" The guard explained, wanting to avoid a confrontation.
While Max and Wallace get out of the van to exchange a few words with the guard, Simon noticed John had grown silent. He was resting his forehead on the steering while, occasionally twitching.
"Hey uh...sorry about the park man. I was kind of looking forward to see it.." Simon placed a hand on John's shoulder who only twitched in response.
"John...you ok?"
John raised his head, looking straight ahead. He had a very crazed look on his face causing Simon to jump back a bit. John was not alright. He stepped out of the driver's seat, making his own way towards the security guard.
"Hey! John! Wait!" Simon called out, scrambling to get out of the van as well. John approached the guard who was arguing with Max and Wallace. They were still having a heated discussion that didn't seem to stop anytime soon. Realizing this, John took a deep breathe.
"This is un-fucking believable!" He shouted at the top of his lungs. The three of them looked in his directions in disbelief, with Simon joining them shortly after.
"This is the one thing I've wanted since my lame ass experience as a kid! Just to go to this sorry excuse for an amusement park and have a good time with my friends! That's all I wanted! I mean, fuck me with a cactus, we have been through some shit! We had to deal with a farmer who had the bedside manner of a toilet seat, a lame ass tourist trap that tried to milk us for every penny we had, then we almost died on a hill because we may or may not have seen a mythical creature, a bunch of crazy ass cultists almost killed us for just fucking being there, a couple of bikers made me question where I am in a complicated relationship and now this! It's my god damn birthday and I can't even go inside a park that's been an integral part of my childhood?! No, you know what, that's fine! That's perfectly fine! Yea totally fine! You know why? FUCK IT, that's why! FUCK EVERYTHING! Fuck you, fuck the park, fuck that ant, fuck that tree, fuck the world! Fuck it all! I don't give a fuck, I couldn't possibly give a fuck, I have no fucks to give! I have to go to the National Bank of Fucks to get a loan on more fucks because I have ZERO fucks! But I should because this is a bunch of bullshit! I almost get myself and my friends killed to get to a park that I can't even fucking get a hot dog at!? Hallelujah, holy shit!!"
John breathed heavily after that long-winded rant. Everyone included the guard remained quiet. Max approached John, placing her hands on the sides of his arms.
"Hey...you alright buddy?" She asked, as John's head drooped down, staring at the ground.
"Hey, hey.." She then got to her knees and blocked his view of the ground so that he was looking at her instead.
"You okay?"
John let out a long sigh, that rather frightening look now gone as a more tired and defeated look came across his face.
"Yea.." John replied meekly.
"Sorry.."
"Are you sure we can't get in for just a little bit and-" Wallace started to say, trying to get something out of the long trip they had. But was interrupted by the sound of the roller coaster being torn to the ground by detonated charges.
"Sorry...demolition already started." The guard replied trying to be sympathetic. But still not quite understanding the reason for the intensity of the group of strangers and their wanting to get into the park. Simon walks up to Wallace, hugging onto his arm.
"I think we'd better get out of here." Simon suggested as Max helped a quiet John back into the van. Wallace sighed, shaking his head.
"Alright well, thanks anyway." Wallace muttered, making his way back into the van with Simon.
"Hey, wait a second!" The guard called. Running after Wallace and Simon.
"It ain't much, but your friend really seemed to care about the park. This is the last souvenir baseball cap we had at the gift shop. Maybe this'll cheer him up?" The guard suggested, offering the cap. Wallace looked at it and smiled, taking it and nodding to the guard. He and Simon then climb into the van. Once Wallace gets into the driver's seat he turns to look back to John who was sitting in the back seat, looking at the ground as Max has an arm around him.
"Hey." Wallace called to get his attention. John looked up at him and was quickly met with a cap being thrown at him. John looked at it for a moment before looking back at Wallace who smiled at him before buckling up and starting the van, driving back towards the highway.
"Well that was a bust, sorry John.." Simon replied, taking a seat on the front passenger side.
"Yea, we didn't meant to take you to a closed park." Max added, giving John a hug. John took a huge breathe and let it out. He looked up at the three of them and sighed with a tired smile.
"It wasn't all a loss. I got to spend a lot of time with you guys. At least that makes this all worthwhile in my book.." John said, finally starting to feel better after his episode. He held the Fun Land cap, looking at it with affection. Max grinned, hugging him with all four limbs.
"Aw that's the nerd I know!" Max exclaimed with glee.
"Man, remind me not to piss you off!" Wallace joked as he continued to drive.
"Welcome back bud!" Simon said, getting out of the passenger seat and over to John, hugging him himself. John looked at both Simon, Max and Wallace, letting out a happy sigh, nuzzling into the double embrace.
"Best birthday, ever.."
